Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
