Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
