Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
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Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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