Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
