i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
