How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
