shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
