I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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