Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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