I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
you never un-have a 4some
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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