i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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