So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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