The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
