youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
