he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
