I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
