someone owes me an orgasm
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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