I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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