im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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