I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
