So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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