so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
