good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize