I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
