you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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