Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
