So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
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