You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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