Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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