can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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