when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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