sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
