if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
