Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
