Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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