Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
