Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
