If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
