we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
