I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
