Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
