her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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