I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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