Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How does it feel to date your dad?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
