I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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