I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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