By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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