really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
