It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
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And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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