Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I CAN MOONWALK!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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