this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Sober January is a disaster.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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