I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
