If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
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got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
50% drunk capacity currently
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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