Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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