I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
