I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Houston, we have a squirter
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
