girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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