if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
