The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
